we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I want her autograph on my taint
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
