i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
