it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
