she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
