I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
