So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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