I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
