My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
