A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She's not a foreskin expert like you
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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