My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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