Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
