alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
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