walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
