You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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