I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
