Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I want to walk on stilts...naked
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
