Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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