Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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