Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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