Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
