oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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