Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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