i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
