peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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