I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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