Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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