the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
