You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think im going to throw up on grandma
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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