Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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