the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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