I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to make a zoo with you.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
