I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
