just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
