More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
