I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
