nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
