How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
