So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
