The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Houston, we have a blender
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
