A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
