My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
