We're facebook friends in real life
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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