1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
