Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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