It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
