dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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