that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
