I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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