Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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