How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
