i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize