I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
