Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
