just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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